Profile Tips

After reading a couple hundred internet dating profiles (at least…I don't really want to think how many), I feel like I am in some sort of authoritative position to provide some advice, or at least common profile pitfalls to avoid.

1.) A rose by any other name…might smell like desperation. What's in a name? A whole freakin' lot. Put some thought into your username, since in the online dating world it is your first impression. Avoid using words like "lonely" and "desperate," since you will appear (shockingly) lonely and desperate. Also, please avoid ending your username in "4u." You are not doing this for me. I don't know if you know how this works, but you came on here to look for someone because you wanted to, not because you're altruistic and felt that you simply could not keep the wonder that is you from the world any longer. Actually, if you do believe that, please do end your username in "4u." It will make you easier to avoid.

2.) Show, don't tell. No, this one isn't about photos. I really don't care about photos. This is about the common pitfall of just listing attributes. "I'm caring, fun to be around, sincere, thoughtful, obliging, blah blah blah." First of all, I don't believe you. Second of all, even if I did believe you that doesn't help me get a sense of you. Tell me a story. You're caring? Tell me about the time you got a cat down from a tree. You're fun to be around? Tell me about standing on your head at a party. You're sincere? Tell me…uh…about when you said something and really meant it. You get the picture.

3.) A list of cool things does not cool you make. Oh, the lists upon lists out there of favorite movies, favorite bands, and favorite video games. (I am truly surprised by the number of people who list their favorite video games. And I have not once seen Tetris!) I've got some bad news for all of you list-happy internet daters: liking Shawshank Redemption does not make you cool or unique. It just means you have the cognitive capacity to watch an amazing movie and then walk out of the theater and say, "Hey! That was a good movie!" No one is going to say, "This person likes Shawshank Redemption! I think I will send nude photos forthwith!" I'm at your profile. You have my attention. There has got to be something that you would rather be telling me than your favorite movies.

4.) Ignore the red squiggly line at your peril. Spellcheck. Proofread. Go to the effort of using capital letters. You by no means have to be flawless, but it is to your advantage to appear that you understand how this whole written language thing works and that you spent more than five minutes writing your profile. You don't look cool by pretending that you don't care. You just look like you don't care.

Hmmm…have I read too many profiles? Possibly…