In one of those stories that makes you want to watch Thema and Louise, and not for the truck scene, a friend of mine was just slingshotted back into singledom. In considering what I can do for her, I believe I came up with the Ultimate Single Girl Gift Basket.
I can already hear your gasps of disbelief. “Single Girl, it can’t be done!” “Don’t you know how many people have been RUINED trying this tomfoolery?!” and “Does it come in extra-large?” But behold: in addition to attending to immediate needs, 87.2% of what you miss about dating somebody can be replaced by this gift basket:
Tissues – for immediate application
Chocolate – also for immediate application
Electric Blanket – Perhaps this is a Midwestern thing, but I often hear one of the biggest benefits of dating someone is having them warm up the bed for you, to which I answer, “Behold and Cherish thy electric blanket!” Electric blankets provide more even heating, are cheaper, and don’t snore.
Gift Certificate for dance classes/pottery classes/a martial arts class – Feel free to determine which your single girl would need most to celebrate her newfound free time: doing what her significant other would never do with her, having an artistic outlet/throwing pots at a wall, or kicking the crap out of someone.
Vibrator – Obviously. And make sure she has batteries and lube.
***WARNING! If you are dating someone, you are NOT AUTHORIZED to give an Ultimate Single Girl Gift Basket. Only us single girls are allowed to present the materials of singlehood. You non-singles should focus on what you’re supposed to do: start lining up dinner parties with eligible prospects.
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