Lap Dancing Class

Last weekend I went down to Chicago and, between many wholesome activities, took a lap dancing class. Now, you may wonder how a single girl in Madison who is completely happy with her job and not looking for ways to make some cash on the side but thank you for asking would end up in a lap dancing class in Chicago. Well, let me explain. It was like this:

Chicago friend: Want to take a lap dancing class with me?Me: Yes.

As we all filed into the room, there was no doubt who was the teacher. Despite taking a two-hour class from her and having the time since to reflect, I still don’t think her body was anatomically correct. She looked like an anime character who was roughly based on a woman. Another way she proved herself nonhuman was by not picking the enormous wedgie in her booty shorts. AT ALL.

But all of us students firmly in the “normal” range were emboldened by her enthusiastic compliments of, “I am HAPPY!” and “Yes please!!”

Fun things that happened to me in class:

1.) The teacher asked us all to imagine a person in the chair that we wanted to dance for. I imagined microorganisms. Unfortunately, my Chicago friend wasn’t up on my latest blog post, so I had to share this joke with myself.

2.) I felt totally sexy.

3.) All of us were doing so well the teacher decided to give us a RIDICULOUS move. It involved arching back over our imaginary person’s legs, kicking one of our legs and swinging them over the head of our imaginary person, and somehow ending up with our asses in their imaginary faces. As my classmates and I attempted, and subsequently got stuck in increasingly comedic positions, our teacher assured us that it was easier with a real person in the chair. To test her claim, I grabbed my Chicago friend for a stand-in. Arching myself across her legs, I kicked my leg up, swung it around and…fell on the floor. Are fits of giggles conducive to lap dancing?

Among all the useful information I gained from the class, I also gained this bit of knowledge: I have no ass to shake. Despite my eagerness to stick my ass in someone’s face and shake it (with their prior consent, of course), my skinny white-girl ass was having none of it. As I made valiant attempts, pleas, and even stopped the class to have the teacher come over and give me pointers, my ass steadfastly refused, looking more like a rock skipping on water than jiggling…anything. While I have never had the urge to build muscles for the sake of building muscles, I foresee squats in my future.

After class my friend pointed out all the skilz I now have. In addition to lap dancing I’ve taken classes in pole dancing and stripping (more on that later). I am amassing these skilz for two reasons: 1.) They make me feel sexy, and 2.) They will come in handy when I’ve got more than the microorganisms to dance for. I hope that this “I’m suited up for fun” part of my personality comes through, even though to overtly state it would be counterproductive. “I can pole dance, lap dance and strip!” would probably scare the natives. And by proclaiming “I’m working on my ass,” asses I would get.