The F Word

Remember Ham Radio Girl? She and I had three dates before our summer travels happened to line up so that we weren’t in Madison at the same time for over a month. And leading up to our first date in over a month, I was sending myself mixed signals.

Yes, you read that right. I was sending myself mixed signals.

The night before the date I discovered myself doing a lot of grooming, including some personal grooming, as the kids say. While I am against shaving (why would I want to look pre-pubescent and have a razor so close to the nerve endings that really count?), I am not against some mowing. It’s just for practicality, really. If a Prince or Princess Charming wants to go down on me, I don’t want them to have to fight through the brambles to get there.

But was Ham Radio Girl Princess Charming? Was I just being a good girl scout, or was I preparing for something that I hoped would transpire?

If I was, I completely contradicted myself on the day of our date. Signs I gave myself that I was not excited about this date:

1.) During the day, at least three times, I thought, “What should I do tonight? Oh wait, I can’t do anything fun. I have a date.”

2.) When she emailed me to say that she couldn’t stay out too late because of an obligation the following morning, my reaction was, “Oh good, I can go to bed early.”

3.) Making any changes to my appearance didn’t even cross my mind. Although, to be fair, this could also stem from learning that she was close to being legally blind.

But then she walked into my apartment with her ham radio clipped to her hip (she had just been storm spotting) and was soon giving me her big-eyed look that says, “Tell me more about what you were just talking about but ended politely because you thought I might not be interested.” And I remembered why I like her.

As we were catching up, we happened to come upon the topic of children. My future does not include children. Hers absolutely does. To the point where she loves surrounding herself with them as much as she can.

“Wow,” I said. “That seems like a crazy amount of children to me! I cannot even comprehend that.”

Brief pause as major incompatibility has just been thrown on the table.

“Well, it’s a good thing to have friends with a variety of perspectives, right?” she asked, clearly trying to be upbeat.

“Right!” I said, trying to be just as upbeat. But what I was really thinking was, “She just said the f-word.”

While the conversation turned to something else, I stole moments to sit back and squint at her. I knew the door wasn’t completely closed. While we’re not long-term material, there were all sorts of other term-lengths to consider. Did I want one of those lengths? Was I attracted enough to her to make a move?

I think the fact that I had to sit back, squint, and try to answer that question with the logical part of my brain was my answer.

So I guess that's that. But don't worry: I am going to get my ham radio license.