Getting Tested

With booty on the horizon, it was time to go get tested. So I took a little excursion to my local Planned Parenthood and was a little too eager when filling out the questionnaire:

Do you have a sexual partner? YES!

Have you or your partner have any of the following symptoms in the last 90 days? Wait, you want me to check if I’ve had a fever in the past 90 days? I had the flu, but I wasn’t screwing anyone at the time so I don’t think you care. Wait, you want to know about abdominal pain? Like gas? I have no idea if Ms. Booty has had gas in the past three months. I assume so. Do you want me to call her?

Please circle the kind of sex you have engaged in with your sexual partner in the last 90 days: Oral, Vaginal, Anal. Oh, well, I haven’t engaged yet, I mean, I did, awhile ago and we did…wait, probably not relevant now. Do you want to know what I am intending to do? Don’t you just have a box for “No, I don’t have a reason to think I have anything. I’m just a responsible adult and getting tested between sexual partners”?

Okay, FINE. I don’t have a sexual partner. My doctor was confused to see “yes” scribbled out and “no” checked, and essentially asked me why I was there. I began to explain and as soon as she caught on she waved off the rest of my explanation with, “Oh, new relationship.”

“See?” I thought to myself. “Your form should have a responsible adult checkbox!”

But can I take a moment to say how much I love Planned Parenthood? And not just because they play sexy surfing movies in the waiting room. (Although, just the act of saving me from daytime TV would be enough.) I looked around at the 10 other women in the waiting room and tried to guess who else was there to get tested. I turned out to be a bad guesser, since from the conversation among them (apparently most women go to Planned Parenthood in pairs, especially when still in high school) they were mostly there to get birth control. I felt a little swell of pride of all of these women empowered to decide when they will have children and with whom. No parents or men to be seen. This was their decision.

Another thing I love about Planned Parenthood: two of my tests, including HIV, were free. FREE! 

Oh, they also send me emails saying what candidates they endorse, so I don’t accidentally end up voting for some schmuck who wants to tell me what the hell I should do with my body. Thanks, Planned Parenthood!