The Turn-down Template

Us online-dating Midwesterners face an inevitable fate: we’re gonna have to turn people down, we’re not any good at it, and we will feel bad about it. In an attempt to deal with all three, I have been using a turn-down template. But first, a few rules for us try-to-make-everyone-happy Midwesterners:

1.) DO NOT tell them, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

2.) DO NOT go into a deep analysis of why you think that you would not be a good match.

3.) DO NOT pretend that you accidentally killed someone and must flee to Mexico.

4.) DO tell them something. If they’ve asked for another date, it’s just not Midwestern of you to leave them hanging.

In the spirit of short and sweet, I offer you my turn-down template. Feel free to edit according to your situation:

Thanks so much for meeting me (yesterday/last week/about a year ago on the day before you left for the peace corps) for (coffee/lunch/a drunken make-out session at the local bar that I haven’t shown my face in since). I think that you might find a better match with someone else on this site, and wish you all the luck in doing so.

All the best,(name/alias)

See, Midwesterners? Short and sweet. And really, if you’re going to be turned down, isn’t this the way that you would like to be told?

Actually, I think I would appreciate the "I killed someone and must flee to Mexico" excuse. Seriously. Shows gumption.