I have yet to compile an entire list of Internet Dating Rules, but I know what the #1 rule is, and I know I just broke it: don’t get excited about the person until you meet them.
I couldn’t help it! I was dazzled! Geeky science boy with an assortment of interests outside of work and doesn’t want kids? I didn’t think such a man existed in Madison’s Single Universe! Combine that with a cup of wishful thinking and a handful of dorky emails exchanged, and WHOOSH! There went my hopes, straight through the roof.
Luckily the exchange of phone numbers to first brief phone call to on my way to meet him for lunch happened so quickly that I only had time for one “I think I’m about to meet the man of my dreams” to cross my mind.
Apparently, the man of my dreams has ADD.
Now, I’m not saying this as a descriptor of absentmindedness or leaping from subject to subject. I mean he has ADD. He was diagnosed at six, was on medication for many years and now is not. Clearly.
For an hour and a half he sat across the table from me squirming and talking incessantly about himself. He barely seemed to stop to breathe. When I was able to start speaking, I usually got half a sentence in before he jumped in and started talking again. But not to worry! I have many a time been in a situation with men who talk incessantly about themselves. I know the tricks to use.
Trick #1: Stop talking. He may think that as long as you’re “yeah”ing and “uh-huh”ing that he’s got something going, so he better not stop now! Stop giving that kind of feedback, allow there to be an awkward pause when he finishes, and he will likely realize that it’s his turn to ask a question.
Trick #1 on ADD boy: Fail. Every pause was an opportunity to talk about himself more. Oooookay. Time for trick #2!
Trick #2: Tell him it’s his turn to ask a question. Hey, dates make people nervous, and he may not realize that he hasn’t turned the conversation over to something about you yet, or he may be looking for an invitation.
Trick #2 on ADD boy: Epic. Fail. After brief astonishment that he had yet to ask me a question, he looked off to the side for a few moments, turned back to me and said, “I can’t think of any.”
Ouch. Really? Seriously? You’re on a date with me and you don’t have a single thing that you want to find out about me? Nothing about me interests you? You don’t have some stock questions to start a conversation? Here, let me give you some examples:
1.) Where are you from?
2.) Nice weather today, isn’t it?
3.) Have you ever played pictionary?
4.) Have you ever been diagnosed with gonorrhea?
All perfectly fine conversation starters, but this guy obviously needed more hand-holding in the “how to have a conversation” department. So, undaunted, I moved on to my last trick.
Trick #3: Tell him what to ask you. After failing tricks one and two, feel no hesitation to be blunt. For example, I asked him where he wanted to travel. After discussing this I took the first pause to say, “Now ask me where I want to travel.”
ADD boy on trick #3: Strike three! After saying, “Oh, right. Ask questions back. That’s a good way of doing this. Where do you want to travel?” I got a half-sentence into my answer and he cut me off to tell me something else about him.
So, strike three, terrible date, it happens, move on. But wait. Here’s where it gets bad.
The reason that I got back into internet dating was that I met an adorable couple at a party who had met online, and, despite a terrible first date, gave each other a second chance and now they’re happy and married and adorable. The two pieces of advice they gave me were: 1.) Go for it and get back online, and 2.) Always give someone two dates.
I shared this particular story with ADD boy when we set up our first date by phone, and he was completely on board. Back in the blissful illusion that he was the Man of My Dreams, we agreed to two dates.
Sonofabitch.
Maybe I’ll bring a magazine.
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