ADD Boy: NO DATE #2!

Since our first illuminating date, ADD boy and I have been occasionally emailing. That’s not completely accurate. This is more accurate: I would email him, and just when I would think that he’s decided to go the way of the Dodo, I would get a breathless email from him explaining how busy he is and giving a detailed recap of his life. I have been using these emails to try to get him to ask me questions or begin a conversation, to extremely limited success.

It was no surprise that I hadn’t heard from him in a week, and I had learned my lesson not to get my hopes up that I was off the hook for a second date. Until!

A friend of mine wanted to see ADD boy’s profile. I think it was mainly to see pictures of him, but to his profile we went. And behold! Right at the top: a “Spring 2010 Update,” stating that he had something going and was not interested in meeting new people. My first thought was, “Thank god! I’m off the hook!” My second thought was, “Why wouldn’t you just take your profile DOWN?”

His update mentioned something about a girl who had left but was coming back to town, a slight story change from our first date where the girl he had been dating moved out of town and wasn’t coming back. But no matter! An hour and a half of my life has been restored! And an important lesson learned about agreeing to one date at a time…

But, later, the part of me that likes to get righteously indignant got righteously indignant. “HE is finking out on our second date, and he wasn’t even going to TELL ME?! Does he somehow think a posting on his profile is an adequate explanation for why he is shirking our second date? Despite his incessant talking, he can’t muster a sentence to tell me about THIS?”

I didn’t think it would be possible for someone to ignore me, talk over me, be so disinterested in me, and yet I would allow him to ditch me.

But, later still, the part of me that is fascinated with human interactions became fascinated. I realized that this means that there is some girl out there who not only dated ADD boy, but has agreed to date him again. She’s likely doing the long-distance thing with him right now, and…who knows…maybe even changed her plans so she could be in the same city as him. While completely unfathomable to me (what could their conversations possibly be like?!), I will chalk it up to their interactions must just work. And maybe this is a point for the whole “there’s someone out there for everyone” thing.

After everything, I found myself in the unexpected position of being happy for him. And maybe I got some warm fuzzies out of it, too. Maybe just a few. Okay, two. Two warm fuzzies for the thought that there’s someone out there for him, and I might just have the same luck.

Good luck, ADD boy!

Getting in Somebody’s Arms

I have never admitted this, but each night as I fall asleep I pretend I’m in somebody’s arms.

It’s really quite lovely. It gives me all of the comfort and security of being able to fall asleep with someone without having to worry about what to do with an inevitable squished arm.

Lately I have been getting out of this habit, for two reasons. While I would love to claim that this is a proactive decision of embracing singledom, the much larger reason isn’t as celebratory. I have run out of people to fantasize about.

This is a dryspell at its worst, since it affects more than just my dating life. When I climb into bed, for either the falling-asleep-in-someone’s-arms pretending or the more aerobic kind, it is quite a mood killer to lie there for 10 minutes trying to find a candidate, any candidate at all, to think about. It has finally reached the point where I fall asleep before I can think of anyone.

Now, I have gone periods in my life without anyone to be excited about, but this one is epic. Even my fallbacks have petered out. Without a specific person, or the ability to simply make someone up, in desperate situations I will take one of my favorite friends and imagine that they have an older brother into bioremediation who plays guitar. That only works so many times before I have to take someone that I passed on the street and imagine them to have a fascinating personality and compatible lifestyle, quite a lot of work to just get imaginary arms. In this bout, after my ultra-last-absolutely final option wore out (I mean really, you can only dip into the Ed Norton piggy bank so many times), I find myself sleeping alone in every possible interpretation of the word.

But perhaps not…I once heard that were it possible to make a couch disappear instantly, you could still see the outline of the couch for a moment from all the microorganisms suddenly left hanging in midair. What a way to think of my bed! I am not alone, I am COVERED with potential soulmates! Certainly some of these microorganisms have arms, or at least flagella. There is no possible way I could fall asleep without arms all over me! Alone? Pshh! I’m sleeping in an ecosystem, baby!

Yup. That’s how single I am right now. My last resort of comfort is, “Well, at least I’ve got my microorganisms.”

First Date with a Second Date U-Haul Lesbian

To understand this, you need to know this joke:

Q: What does a lesbian bring to a second date?A: A U-Haul.

As much as I would like to stand up for lesbians on this one, I am usually laughing too hard at this joke to do so. And I think I am allowed. My first serious girlfriend showed up for our second date with lamps.

Awhile ago I had a date with a woman I met online that was yet another case of meeting someone and five minutes in realizing that there was no chance. I will spare you the details of why I thought she and I would be a terrible match, but I will tell you that the feeling was, unfortunately, not mutual. This woman had Second Date U-Haul Lesbian written aaaaaaall over her. As exemplified by our conversation when we stepped out of the restaurant to leave:

Me: Thanks for having dinner with me.2DUL: Okay! Give me a hug!

Uncomfortable hug ensues where I ensure that there is NO way that she can try to kiss me.

2DUL: So, I’ll email you my phone number tonight. It’s too bad that you’re busy tomorrow, but call me the next day. Also, my hair isn’t naturally curly.Me: Wha…what?2DUL: I just didn’t want to give you any false impressions.

False impressions? First, if I was the sort of person where your natural hair characteristics mattered to me in any way, why on earth would you want to date me? Second, here’s a thought: if you didn’t want to give me a false impression, you could try…oh…not curling your hair.

And besides, any impression I had of her hair is nothing compared to my impression that she went home to start packing.

Checking out property

I am one of those girls who got her career moving, exhaled, looked around, and realized everyone else had paired off. As you might have noticed, my search for someone else who is also just now exhaling and looking around isn’t going so well. So in a brilliant attempt at doublethink, I am proactively on the dating scene while proactively embracing singlehood.

Part of accepting singlehood means getting on with other parts of my life, like buying a home. Recently I took a beginning homebuyers course, and in filling out the form for the class I found myself checking boxes for Female Head of Household, Non-Hispanic, and Unmarried.

What? I thought I was just single! Unmarried? Is that like being Undead?

Unmarried. Nonmarried. Dismarried. Straggler. Other.

I think I like “Other.” Make it perfectly clear that there is a normal and I am COMPLETELY outside of that. In fact, I would like every form I fill out that asks for my marital status to include, “If you checked Other, please explain in the space below.” This is what I would say:

While not crazy, commitment-phobic, flighty, needy, scared of sex, or possessing a criminal history for statue molestation, I have high standards and haven’t met anyone yet. Yes, I would like to meet your brother/cousin/neighbor’s foreign exchange student. I like Thai food and wine bars.

It is odd to be thinking about all of this during a beginning homebuyers course, since the young couples surrounding me often speak of looking for a home as if they were talking about dating. “What if I’ve already accepted but a better offer comes my way?” “I guess renting is better for me for now.” “If I absolutely fall in love with a home right away, is the process any faster?” “I know what my ideal is, but I guess I have to decide what I’m willing to give up.” “Do I trust them if they say they’ve had an inspection but I haven’t seen the paperwork?” “How long should I look for? I mean, you never know when a couple is going to…sell.”

On second thought, maybe I’ll wait on the homebuying for a bit. It’s just way too much dating right now.

ADD Boy: Date #1

I have yet to compile an entire list of Internet Dating Rules, but I know what the #1 rule is, and I know I just broke it: don’t get excited about the person until you meet them.

I couldn’t help it! I was dazzled! Geeky science boy with an assortment of interests outside of work and doesn’t want kids? I didn’t think such a man existed in Madison’s Single Universe! Combine that with a cup of wishful thinking and a handful of dorky emails exchanged, and WHOOSH! There went my hopes, straight through the roof.

Luckily the exchange of phone numbers to first brief phone call to on my way to meet him for lunch happened so quickly that I only had time for one “I think I’m about to meet the man of my dreams” to cross my mind.

Apparently, the man of my dreams has ADD.

Now, I’m not saying this as a descriptor of absentmindedness or leaping from subject to subject. I mean he has ADD. He was diagnosed at six, was on medication for many years and now is not. Clearly.

For an hour and a half he sat across the table from me squirming and talking incessantly about himself. He barely seemed to stop to breathe. When I was able to start speaking, I usually got half a sentence in before he jumped in and started talking again. But not to worry! I have many a time been in a situation with men who talk incessantly about themselves. I know the tricks to use.

Trick #1: Stop talking. He may think that as long as you’re “yeah”ing and “uh-huh”ing that he’s got something going, so he better not stop now! Stop giving that kind of feedback, allow there to be an awkward pause when he finishes, and he will likely realize that it’s his turn to ask a question.

Trick #1 on ADD boy: Fail. Every pause was an opportunity to talk about himself more. Oooookay. Time for trick #2!

Trick #2: Tell him it’s his turn to ask a question. Hey, dates make people nervous, and he may not realize that he hasn’t turned the conversation over to something about you yet, or he may be looking for an invitation.

Trick #2 on ADD boy: Epic. Fail. After brief astonishment that he had yet to ask me a question, he looked off to the side for a few moments, turned back to me and said, “I can’t think of any.”

Ouch. Really? Seriously? You’re on a date with me and you don’t have a single thing that you want to find out about me? Nothing about me interests you? You don’t have some stock questions to start a conversation? Here, let me give you some examples:

1.) Where are you from?

2.) Nice weather today, isn’t it?

3.) Have you ever played pictionary?

4.) Have you ever been diagnosed with gonorrhea?

All perfectly fine conversation starters, but this guy obviously needed more hand-holding in the “how to have a conversation” department. So, undaunted, I moved on to my last trick.

Trick #3: Tell him what to ask you. After failing tricks one and two, feel no hesitation to be blunt. For example, I asked him where he wanted to travel. After discussing this I took the first pause to say, “Now ask me where I want to travel.”

ADD boy on trick #3: Strike three! After saying, “Oh, right. Ask questions back. That’s a good way of doing this. Where do you want to travel?” I got a half-sentence into my answer and he cut me off to tell me something else about him.

So, strike three, terrible date, it happens, move on. But wait. Here’s where it gets bad.

The reason that I got back into internet dating was that I met an adorable couple at a party who had met online, and, despite a terrible first date, gave each other a second chance and now they’re happy and married and adorable. The two pieces of advice they gave me were: 1.) Go for it and get back online, and 2.) Always give someone two dates.

I shared this particular story with ADD boy when we set up our first date by phone, and he was completely on board. Back in the blissful illusion that he was the Man of My Dreams, we agreed to two dates.

Sonofabitch.

Maybe I’ll bring a magazine.

The single girl at the party

I take it as a sign that I am used to being the single girl when I don’t realize until I show up at my friend’s party, “Hey! I don’t know ANYONE here except the host, and once again, I am attending a party alone. Fan-TASTIC.”

But my gracious lovely friend was gracious and lovely and quickly put a drink in my hand and sat me down with three other, at least what I first surmised, gracious lovely people.

Of these three gracious lovely people, two were an adorable couple and the third was a cute boy in a hideous Hawaiian shirt. Apparently, mid-planning, the party gained a tropical theme, but only a few poor souls got the message.

But I soon forgot about the hideous Hawaiian shirt as I was dazzled by his tremendous flirting ability. Flirting ability and mention of ex-girlfriend. Nice.

Knowing that finding a single man in Madison who is capable of maintaining a conversation is akin to a rare bird sighting, I turned up the charm. I did the Lingering Look, the Lean In, AND the Hand Brush. He was there, seeing my bet and raising each time, while we maintained a lovely meandering conversation. He even followed me to the loveseat once it was vacated.

Was this really happening?! After a string of terrible dates, an intelligent, gregarious, cute, SINGLE man seemed too good to be true! Yup, you guessed it. It was.

After Hawaiian shirt boy left I did the natural thing of asking the host if I could date her friend. Not so much. He will be moving to the West Coast soon where his “very serious girlfriend” lives. Party. Foul. But in his defense, he only had about 400 places in our conversation where he could have mentioned that.

So, new rule: men who hide the fact that they are unavailable so they can flirt and bask in the attention of the single girl at the party shall be forced to identify themselves to the general public by wearing grass skirts to match their hideous Hawaiian shirts. 

Date with a homophobe

I’m a sucker for guys who can dance. So when one of my favorite guys to dance with, at one of my favorite places to dance at, asked me for drinks, the only thing to do is say yes and conduct the necessary background check.

Since we were already facebook friends, the second part was easy. I found photo after photo of the dozen weddings he was just in, where he worked, some of his favorite musicians, and WHOA!!! That he’s a fan of “People for the Traditional Definition of Marriage.” Well. This was going to be interesting.

I suppose etiquette, had I any, would have directed me to talk about neutral topics first, say, dancing, the weather, and how small animals are, in general, cute. But after working up no inconsiderate amount of disgust that I had to waste my time on a date with a homophobe, combined with the fact that he was obviously calculating the drink/conversation ratio that would be the quickest route to sex, led me to asking his views on gay marriage only two questions into the date.

The basic inane arguments followed, until he summed up with:

“I mean really, when you think about it, how does a stick and a stick or a hole and a hole go together? They just don’t!”

While I wish I would have, on the spot, come up with the response, “Let me draw you a diagram,” what I did say was, “I’m bi. Trust me. It works.”

Let me pause here to say that double-takes are currently completely underrepresented for their humor and ability to gratify.

Then came his response that I should have been prepared for. “Well, I have more of a problem with men who date men then I do with women who date women.”

“Your college frat called. They want their cliché double-standard back.” Okay, I didn’t say that. That was the most excellent retort that a friend of mine said the next day while I was filling her in on the gruesome details. But for the sake of prosperity, can we pretend I said that?

Now, I thought a protracted argument about how I wasn’t really thrilled at the idea of him wanting to take my rights away because he got called a fag as a kid would make it clear that I was not interested in him as long as he held the belief that I shouldn’t be able to marry whoever the hell I want to. Apparently not.

“Well, I won’t really have an issue with it if you date me, because you’ll be dating a guy.”

Oh LORD. How do I put this? Here’s a stick. Now let me draw you a diagram…

So I’m online dating.

Okay, everything that just went through your head when you read that? Yup, I’ve thought it, too. So, now we’ve got that settled…

I’m online dating.

I tried a stint before with one of those sites that makes you pay to look at what everyone is trying to give away for free, let’s just call that site, oh, smatch dot com. During that stint of online dating what I hated was not the awkwardness, the spamming, the endless profiles of guys who “like movies and like to do outdoors stuff, even though I don’t do that as much as I would like, and I’m looking for a nice girl with a good sense of humor.” No. What I hated was that I would check my account every night, and every night I would be reminded of the fact that I’m single.

But this is the interwebs! The Grand Poobah of distractions! Shouldn’t this be fun? Shouldn’t an online dating site have multi-pronged interactions based on web 2.0 models and other jargon I don’t understand?

Well, I’m happy to say that I found a (free!) site that fits that description. I’d hate for this to seem like a big advertisement for a specific site when I’m sure there are many admirable online dating venues out there, but for the sake of reference let’s just call this one…oksmupid dot com.

Fun things that have happened to me since being on oksmupid:

• Spammed by a local band trying to get me to their gig by promising dance floor romance
• Approached by several married couples looking for a third (but it always seems to be the men who approach me…hmm….)
• Had a BLACK man with the username BLACK-something-or-other message me and ask me if I ever did it with a BLACK man 
• Had a girl instant message me to ask if she could send me naked pictures of herself (I said no. If I wanted to look at pictures of naked women, I was already online. Done.)

See? Distractions! Who has time to think about being single with such entertainment? Success!